Why do people constantly chase after people they can’t have? Why is unattainable love so desirable in our society? This has always baffled me and I’ve never understood the logic of it. Look at celebrity crushes for example. How can you like someone you have never even spoken too? Thinking a celebrity is hot is one thing, but thinking you connect on a deeper level is just creepy. But we all do it. Even worse than celebrities are people in relationships. I personally have fallen hard for a guy who was very serious with another girl. Luckily I came to my senses before anything drastic happened, but to this day I still reflect back wondering how I could have been so stupid. So let me be the first to say, this guy is never going to love you. Not because he’s “the team captain and you’re on the bleachers,” but because he doesn’t exist. It’s okay to want romance, but we need to stop looking high and low for a relationship that is never going to happen.
This however does not apply to me and Harry Styles….we will get married one day.
Today I had a wonderful conversation with my dad about success. I think it is obvious that success is measured in different ways for everyone. When thinking about what it means to me to be successful, I simply envision happiness. If I’m doing something I love and surrounded by people I love then I know I am successful. One thing I’ve learned is when trying to see what something is, it is also important to first look at what it isn’t. Success isn’t how others see you, or how you feel you are supposed to be. Success also isn’t about settling. I will never in my life settle for a mediocre relationship, job, or anything else. Life is truly to short to waste time on average things. Maybe saying all this makes me seem very put together but I can assure everyone that is hardly the case. I often feel like I am extremely unsuccessful and I’ll never reach my ultimate goals. In moments like this I always feel it is best to step back from the specific situation and focus on others. For me, serving is the best solution. Helping a family build a house, or volunteering at a soup kitchen only forces myself to step back from my problems. Seeing what others are going through really puts my life into perspective. Some of these people have absolutely nothing yet if you were to ask them they would still say they felt successful. These people are truly living and loving life, and I admire them for it. I would gladly have all my possessions taken away and be completely homeless if it means I am surrounded by ones I love and doing something I love everyday. I often to pray to God that if someday I were to lose all of my fancy things I would remember this and hold it close to my heart.
At church tonight I felt an extreme connecting point with something Pastor Pete Wilson said: “when someone hurts you repay them with a blessing.” This simple statement really struck a chord with me as it directly relates to something I am going through right now. Refer to my previous post about my last boyfriend/asshole/emotionally-baggaged douchebag to understand. Now, there have been many times in my life when I felt someone has hurt me, but no hurt has ever come as such a surprise than with this person. It was a hurt that didn’t go away for quite some time and will probably always be with me. Out of everything in this “relationship” I regret how I reacted to this hurt the most. Naturally, I wanted to make him feel the pain that I felt. I used malicious words and even flirted with his very best friend. Anything I could do to get back at him I did. I remember one night he said “Christina, we are just the same” and I immediately realized I didn’t at all want to be like him. Sure, he did some pretty awful things but by me getting back at him I was no different. Fighting fire with fire can never lead to a good outcome, everyone just ends up burned. So instead, I wish I would have repaid him with a blessing. The words I would say have and will always be true no matter how neglectant (madeupword) I am to admit it. So regardless or not of if he will ever hear them I will affirm them right now. To my asshole- I want you to be happy and I truly hope you find whatever you are looking for.
My least favorite question in the world is “do you believe in love at first sight?” My answer is always unexpected when I say no, I’m not even sure I believe in love. But at the same time I’m sure I do. Like my relationship with God, I have no doubt in my mind that it is real. To me this is the most pure and true love one will ever have. Or the love between my parents, no one would ever doubt it just by seeing the way they look at each other. But when I think of my future it is hard to see me happily infatuated with another person for eternity. Now here comes the ironic part. As much as I can’t envision myself finding my soulmate and living happily ever after, I hope for it. One might say I’m a hopeless romantic. A hopeless romantic who doesn’t believe in love, how dreadful. Now it can’t be said that I haven’t tried. In fact, senior year of high school I swore I was in love. We talked about marriage, the future, and all the other mushy crap that goes with it. But things fell apart as they often do and now I question if it was love I felt, or if I just desired that feeling so much that I convinced myself of it. Ever since that relationship for whatever reason I have chased the worst options I could find. My last boyfriend/asshole was the king of bad options. My best friends constantly told me he was bad news but all I could believe is he would one day change and turn into my knight in shining armor. Needless to say with this emotionally-baggaged douchebag this did not happen. In fact I’m almost certain I knew of this all along which is why I wanted him so bad. But still, the romantic in me prays that one day someone will come along and change my pessimistic outlook. We will have the most adorable children and live in a house with a white picket fence. Taylor Swift would be so proud.
So the other night I was at Cafe Coco and the woman next to me was ranting about Christians and how absurd she thought the idea of God was. I didn’t say anything to her but I really wish I would have. I would have asked her how such beauty in this world can exist without a Creator. I’ve experienced so many moments where I’ve felt completely at peace and know God is with me. Like walking down the beach during a sunrise with the wind blowing and the smell of salt and summer in the air. Or being at a concert where you have goosebumps on your arms from the allure of the music. I remember being terrified when my dad was in the hospital but oddly enough also at peace. To me there was beauty in the fact that no matter how low I get, I always will have God and I’ll never be alone. So yes, there is beauty in the breakdown. Basically I wanted to tell this woman that you don’t have to go to a church to experience God, it is so much more personal than that. He is everywhere. He’s in every moment and ever breath. After all, “this is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalms 37:4