mannamontana

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Month: April, 2012

A hopeless romantic who doesn’t believe in love

My least favorite question in the world is “do you believe in love at first sight?”  My answer is always unexpected when I say no, I’m not even sure I believe in love.  But at the same time I’m sure I do.  Like my relationship with God, I have no doubt in my mind that it is real.  To me this is the most pure and true love one will ever have.  Or the love between my parents, no one would ever doubt it just by seeing the way they look at each other.  But when I think of my future it is hard to see me happily infatuated with another person for eternity.  Now here comes the ironic part.  As much as I can’t envision myself finding my soulmate and living happily ever after, I hope for it.  One might say I’m a hopeless romantic.  A hopeless romantic who doesn’t believe in love, how dreadful.  Now it can’t be said that I haven’t tried.  In fact, senior year of high school I swore I was in love.  We talked about marriage, the future, and all the other mushy crap that goes with it.  But things fell apart as they often do and now I question if it was love I felt, or if I just desired that feeling so much that I convinced myself of it.  Ever since that relationship for whatever reason I have chased the worst options I could find.  My last boyfriend/asshole was the king of bad options.  My best friends constantly told me he was bad news but all I could believe is he would one day change and turn into my knight in shining armor.  Needless to say with this emotionally-baggaged douchebag this did not happen.  In fact I’m almost certain I knew of this all along which is why I wanted him so bad.  But still, the romantic in me prays that one day someone will come along and change my pessimistic outlook.  We will have the most adorable children and live in a house with a white picket fence.  Taylor Swift would be so proud.

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Beauty in Moments

     So the other night I was at Cafe Coco and the woman next to me was ranting about Christians and how absurd she thought the idea of God was.  I didn’t say anything to her but I really wish I would have.  I would have asked her how such beauty in this world can exist without a Creator.  I’ve experienced so many moments where I’ve felt completely at peace and know God is with me.  Like walking down the beach during a sunrise with the wind blowing and the smell of salt and summer in the air.  Or being at a concert where you have goosebumps on your arms from the allure of the music.  I remember being terrified when my dad was in the hospital but oddly enough also at peace.  To me there was beauty in the fact that no matter how low I get, I always will have God and I’ll never be alone.  So yes, there is beauty in the breakdown.  Basically I wanted to tell this woman that you don’t have to go to a church to experience God, it is so much more personal than that.  He is everywhere.  He’s in every moment and ever breath.  After all, “this is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalms 37:4